The big finale...

So this is it, this is (for all purposes of intent) my last blog for UT's study abroad office. It's been a fantastic semester with lots of laughs, some questionable moments, weird buses, and of course great memories.

I've debated for awhile about how I would write this blog, afterall (yes I misspell that word, if you haven't figured it out by now I always do) it does feel pretty important and there are a whole slew of ways I could take this. I could write about differences between home and the places I've been, but that's worn out and in all honesty something you need to experience more-so than read about. I could just post messages about my friends, and while it would be sappy and maybe move the heart of my one day future wife (if she stumbles upon it when looking at things from my past with my mother of course), it just doesn't feel right. I could just tell stories and throw out quirky little anecdotes, but I've been relying on that for awhile now. As I said, there are so many ways I can write this, ways I've planned and thought about or ways I could emulate from similar instances. I could just resort to an Academyesque 'thank you' spree that would put Scorsese to shame. Or I could just start writing and see what comes out, aftall that's what feels right at this moment.

When I first learned that I was going to be keeping a blog under an actual contract, it kinda hit me that in a way which made me realize that I was taking the first steps in a long-time dream of mine to become a paid writer. While I've technically been paid to be a journalist since I was 17, this was different. This was someone telling me 'We want to hear what you think' and not just 'Tell us what happened at X event'. I was nervous, I was going through a rough time in terms of that I began to question whether I really wanted to go abroad or not. Afterall I'd be sacrificing an eighth of my college career to go halfway around the world to do... well I wasn't really sure what I would be doing and that's a scary feeling.

Despite all of this I had this strange calmness about me leading up to it, there was no anxiety. The only sign of any real emotion was when I occasionally cracked a smile as I thought about what I'd be doing a month from a particular moment. Why did I smile? To this day I can't really articulate it, it was just my little way of showing that I felt something even if I didn't know what that 'something' was.

In the weeks leading up to my departure, it felt like I had a million people asking me my thoughts on going abroad. I had some friends and acquaintances who, in their own way, kinda made me feel bad because it seemed as if I was abandoning them or becoming snotty. The short of it is, before I even left I was beginning to feel the ups and downs of going abroad. The joys and the fears, the low points and the high points which make you break into an unexplainable smile. Like I said there are things about doing what I've done that I just can't explain, but you can see them in a person's face. I remember meeting a guy who had just gotten back from being abroad in England at a function the C Geo office put on for the kids heading out. He'd sit there and reminisce, occasionally breaking into a sorta quirky smile. It wasn't fake, but it wasn't natural. It wasn't a 'funny haha' smile, but just something that made you see that he had memories inside him that he couldn't really explain. To me, that's something that I've gotten out of my experience that I'm not sure I'd find anywhere else. Finding humor in the low parts, finding strength in yourself and your friends. Having to build yourself up as a support system and thing finding out how much stronger of a person you can be once other people start to become part of that support system, these are things I would not have experienced had I stayed at UT this semester. Would I have had fun? Probably more than I am here, but at the end of the term I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I remember when I was struggling to come up with an idea for my first blog, I was really excited about some classes I had taken last fall. I had just switched majors and for the first time was really enjoying school. Ironically that excitement also made me a little wary about my decision to go abroad, I do feel that I've sacrificed in terms of schooling here as I honestly haven't enjoyed my time on campus as much as I did last semester at UT. But back to the point. The realization about that excitement was that despite my struggles during the semester and the craziness that finals always bring, I had time for my thoughts and opinions to just sit and begin to really form while I rested at home and generally just sat around my parents house. I became better at speaking about my studies, my arguments and discussions were more succinct and illustrated better. In general all the things I wanted to say in those final papers had come to a head, a maturity if you will. As I'm sitting here writing whatever comes off the top of my head (much like a final huh?), I can't wait for that point to reach after I've returned home. When my thoughts and opinions can really start to blossom and become more than just thoughts and opinions, they become part of who I am and change the way I look at everything in life. While I can't articulate them now, I look forward to that point when I realize that my time here in England was worth it and I can say to someone "this is why_____. "

Another thing I actually wrote a very lengthy blog about but never published is identity, so I'll try to do a little service to that. I've never really thought of myself as a Texan, my father is from Mexico and I was born on the border. If anything I've always felt kinda torn in multiple directions about affirming who I am as a person. That's one of the best parts about being here, you really have to decide who you are (unless you just want to make it all up *shrug*) as a person and then defend it. If you want to say "Yes, I'm an American" get ready for someone to poke and jab at you. You gotta realize that when you show up, you're like a weird species locals have only heard about on the news or seen in movies. So they're gonna want to prod at the stereotypes, they're also gonna be happy when you live up to those stereotypes so be prepared for it. The most important thing to realize is that you can't take offense to what people are saying, you're on their turf and you're here to learn about them... not bring American Democracy to wherever your host country is. Chances are if someone offends you, it's a miscommunication. I've found that 95% of the people here are quite nice despite the crappy whether, so keep that in your head when you get off the plane and that customs lady is absolutely the biggest jerk you've ever met in your life. So remember, because you're different you're automatically going to be subject to being judged, but give them good things to judge you on and not bad traits... if you do that you'll be fine.

One of the greatest things about going abroad is the environment you are forced to thrive in. We'll call it a controlled chaos. It's a funny thing really, if you had asked me last December where I would be in April I could have guess that maybe France, or Spain, or Italy would have been the answers. But I never, in my wildest dreams, would have said the Isle of Man. Hell I didn't even know it existed and I could have never guessed that some of my favorite memories in life would come from a little island situated between Liverpool and Ireland. As I was there Flipper's mom said to me, "Would you ever have guessed you'd be here when you were in Texas five months ago?" There's no way I could say yes, none. That's the thing about doing something like this, you never know where you'll end up or who you'll meet. And the last thing I woulda guessed is that I could find a home at a place so far away from home. Realizing that gives you a confidence in new situations that just can't be taught, it has to be experienced and I'd wager just that one trait justifies all the costs and sacrifices you have to make to go study abroad.

I remember a saying that went something like "If someone wants to be in a relationship, they will be". That can be said about finding comfort in your surroundings. If you want to make friends, you'll make them. I could have come here and totally shut down like some of the abroad kids who I noticed disappeared midway through the semester, they weren't happy and they really weren't trying to be. One of the most frustrating things for me since I've been here is that for the first two weeks in England I didn't have a computer. Despite how disconnected from the world I felt, this was the best thing that could have happened because it forced me to be connected with the local world. Becoming friends with Phil, Charlie, Alaistar (I still can't spell his name to save my life), and Flipper showed me that no matter where I am in the world, if I want friends I will find them... or maybe they'll find me. So don't be discouraged if after that first week in your host country you don't feel like you've made many friends, just be open to people and be who you are (unless you're a jerk, then don't be who you are) and things will turn out just fine.

So I guess in closing, I'll miss the people I've met but in the modern age we can still keep in touch. I'll see their updates on facebook and maybe run into someone who met one of them in the future, weirder things have happened to me since I've been here. To my friends back in America, I'll be home very soon and you can expect to be putting up with me again for another year, especially you Adam because you have the very unfortunate task of being my roommate. To those who want to visit me in Texas, by all means come on down. Flipper already has his tickets for a two week trip, last I heard he'll be forswearing those tickets and swimming just so he can justify his name. Now that people, is a friend.

To the people who are reading this because someone at the C Geo (that's the study abroad) office thought it might help you or give you some insight, I hope it has. It took me about a year to pull the trigger on going abroad and I absolutely don't regret doing it. If you're on the fence or if money is an issue, just sign up and go to wherever you want... you're student at the University of Texas, the money is there if you need it. If you go and have a bad time, you'll build character but if you think you might want to and you don't, twenty years down the road when you're locked into a career with a family you'll regret never pulling that trigger.